01/03/2008

Things that happen while I'm busy being depressed... part two

Here are the realisations:

I've realised that one of the things that really makes me happy also can make me really sad.

This mysterious thing is the ability to find joy and beauty and happiness even in the seemingly small and insignificant things in life.

Like the steely scent of the sea on a stormy winters' day, and the way this sometimes almost seems to take on a physical shape of piercing coldness.

Or the sound the wind makes when playing in tall, wet grass on a morning during early spring.

Or the warm, organic, almost tangible saltiness of the ocean that seems to embrace you like a tender lover just after sunset on a hot summer day's eve.

Or the feeling of rich, black mud seeping between your toes when you walk barefoot through the forest on a cold night late in the autumn.

These things and many more makes me almost indescribably happy.

So one might think I would be the happiest person in the world. Right?

Wrong!

The reason why these things that brings me joy also seems to have the ability of bringing me down is this - there's really no way I can share them with anyone.

Firstly because most people seem depressingly incapable of appreciating the small things in life or, as they say, "to stop and smell the roses".

And secondly because whenever I try to speak of these things, or write about them for that matter, I always seem to come across as this super pretentious hippie-poet-romantic-wannabe jerk. And when even I find it difficult to take me serious - how could I possibly expect someone else to!?!

Another thing I've learned about myself is that I feel at my very best whenever I have a goal to work towards. And I usually set myself fairly high goals, which also leads to some unhappiness since I never really seem to be able to reach my goals.

But the good thing is - the older I get the more realistic my goals get. Like now - for example - when I've set myself the goal to move to Denmark to study, since I truly believe that the education I'll get there is the education I need in order for me to have the freedom of choice I crave as to what I'm going to work with, and the freedom of not being stuck doing one thing for the rest of my life.

Turns out this goal is highly realistic since all that remains for me to achieve the goal is to find a place to stay and to organise the move which, by the look of things, should be a whole lot easier than I first thought. So now I know where I'll be and what I'll be doing for the next two years - and it feels great!

And one final, very important thing I've realised (although, this I've been suspecting for a while now) is that I feel really crappy when in doubt as to where I stand in relation to others.

I don't mean that not being held in high enough regard brings me down. I mean I'd rather know for sure what people's honest opinions about me are - even if the opinions are not positive - than being kept in limbo by people telling me one thing and signalling another.

All I can say to those who don't want to hurt people's feelings by telling them they don't like them is - don't be such an idiot!!!

People will notice. By the tone of voice, by your body language, by the way you can't help but rolling your eyes ever so slightly when they speak...

And by not telling them you'll most likely hurt their feelings even more since they might get to thinking that perhaps you do like them after all. Or you don't. Or you do... Things like that are guaranteed to send people to the loony bin.

So just tell them, and get it over with!

And, funnily enough, some of the people I've told that I didn't like are now close friends of mine. Turned out that by telling them why I didn't like them we got to communicating in a new way and found out we had a lot of common denominators and the reason I hadn't liked them was because they hadn't liked me and that the reason for all this dislike was really just a misunderstanding...

And the people I've told that I didn't like who didn't become my friends? Well most of them may still not like me, but they do respect me.

And the infinitesimally small number of people I don't like remaining here? Well, there's really no reason why I should bother with them anyway. If people can't accept the fact that they can't be liked by everyone, they're not people I want to be around anyway.

People who are constantly afraid of being disliked are frankly quite boring.

I should know - I used to be one of them! =)

Oh! I should probably point out that there are very few people I dislike.
There are also very few people I like.
It's just the way I am.

And on that note I will finish my ramblings for now...

No comments: